Just Kill Me Now a/k/a Ada and the Golf Club
A few months ago I blogged about the fig poultice and praying with figs and my friend, Karla. In the past week Father has been reminding me that there was more to His thoughts and revelations in that prayer time. Last night I asked Karla to share with me again the three things we prayed about. And this morning Dave Crowder Band (www.davecrowderband.com) reminded me of Hezekiah (thanks to my friend, Bill, who gave me the cd "B Collision"). So I am pretty certain I need to explore this today...
I looked in an old journal and found what I wrote the day after praying with Karla. I'm laughing now as I read what I wrote about one of Karla's children the morning after being with them all, and I must share it with you: "Ada wields a plastic golf club much like Peter wielded a sword... so much active passion in her that You will use for Your glory." Now back to the fig matter...
There were three things that Karla was clinging to that we prayed release over with the figs. They were control, management and order. As I journaled these things I realized that they are all things that Father has built and designed into Karla - in fact, her spiritual giftedness includes the gifts of administration and leadership. These three things are also characteristics of Father God. He has sovereign control over all things. He is the ultimate manager/administrator of all things. He is a God of order for sure. So, in His creation of Karla, He put these things in her as part of His making her in His image and likeness so that He could use her to administer His truth, grace and love with control and order in this world.
I realized that as my precious friend held on to these three things, claiming them as her own, trying to do them herself, that she was putting herself in a position of trying to do God's job. As long as she was trying to maintain control, manage things, and order things on her own, she was finding that things appeared out of control, poorly managed and highly disordered. Things like Ada swinging a plastic golf club at anything and anyone in her path demonstrated how impossible it is for Karla to control, manage and order her world. And when we prayed, we sought Father's control, management and order for her world as we released Karla's desires for these things. But that hasn't quenched Ada's passion and the occasional chaos at Karla's house where three pre-schoolers live.
I struggle to make sense of all of this. If God puts characteristics in us to use in our lives to fulfill His kingdom purposes, then why aren't we supposed to use them? Or are we? And if we are, how do we do it without taking over His job? And why doesn't everything just work out perfectly? I journaled this: If we have faith - if we trust God fully - we surrender these things to Him, knowing they are His, knowing they are the "Christ in us", knowing He will develop them and put them into action as we allow Spirit to work.
And earlier this week, in a conversation with Karla on a different subject, she and I discussed how hard it is to live by Spirit and not flesh, and that to do so, we must surrender it all - hopes, dreams, sins, feelings, relationships, desires, plans, questions, belongings, jobs, friends, family, fears, gifts, personality - everything - every day. As she shared thoughts from C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, I kept hearing "Just kill me now - this dying to self and overcoming flesh thing is just way too hard." And Philippians 1:21 kept coming to mind - For me to live is Christ and to die is gain. And this morning, Dave Crowder Band was blessing me with a great contemporary blue grass sound as they sang an old Loretta Lynn song "Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die." And in my odd little brain it all began to make sense.
There is supposed to be such blessed peace and quiet confidence in surrender to Him and His ways and His control and His work in us. Yet we fear it at the same time we ask for it because it means death - death to self - death of our personal ambitions and dreams - death to our control, our management, our order. No one wants to be out of control or completely surrendered to something or someone else. No one wants to give up everything they cherish. We might as well be dead! We surrender completely and suddenly we no longer exist and whatever we have surrendered to overtakes us! Oh my gosh! Who wants that? Just kill me now! Just take me to heaven - but don't make me die.
We want more of Him and we want His direction and we want His peace and we want His blessings and we want His heaven. But we don't want to die to self, walk in spirit and not flesh, surrender everything, give away our lives to have all of His life instead. We are SO messed up, aren't we? Or are we? The Loretta Lynn song has a verse that talks about how Hezekiah followed God and His ways but Hezekiah didn't want to die so God gave Him more years on this earth. And it has a verse that talks about how Jesus lived here on earth, knowing that death was His destiny. He didn't want to die either, and sweat drops of blood as He prayed for some other way to accomplish God's purposes. So my wanting what God wants for me but not wanting to die to get it, is Christ-like, right? But Christ still died, didn't He?
For a few days now I have been listing out my wants and desires and plans and problems and questions and concerns and surrendering each one to Father's hands. It is very freeing. And every time thoughts of needing and wanting to control and manage and order things myself come into my head, I surrender again. I am dying... to my flesh. And I am finding peace as I surrender and let Him live by Spirit in me. I think maybe there is a little more of Christ's likeness being revealed in me as I surrender - I know death to self and flesh is what brings His life - but I don't want to die - so I pray, like Jesus, if there is another way let it be - but if not, I will die. And like Jesus, I will find that death - to my self and my flesh - brings life - abundantly. It brings heaven - for eternity - for today - for me - for all mankind.
Funny now that I think of Ada and the golf club being like Peter and the sword. Peter swung the sword to protect Christ when He was being arrested - just after He had prayed about wanting heaven but not wanting to die. Peter wanted heaven without the death, too, didn't he? It didn't make sense to him that the One sent here to establish God's kingdom on earth was going to die. But Jesus said, "Put your sword away! Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?" (John 18:11) Peter's desire to manage, control and order the world as he saw it in the flesh caused him to swing the sword just as Ada's desire to manage, control and order the world as she saw it in her precious little flesh caused her to swing the golf club.
Father, I put away my plastic golf club. I surrender to You - Your will - Your ways - Your plan - Your control - Your management - Your order - Your life. I don't want to die but if dying means You live more, then I'll do it. I want the heaven - today. So I'll drink the cup. The cup tastes like vinegar but it is really the fruit of life. I like fruit. I like life. Just kill me now.
Amy
I looked in an old journal and found what I wrote the day after praying with Karla. I'm laughing now as I read what I wrote about one of Karla's children the morning after being with them all, and I must share it with you: "Ada wields a plastic golf club much like Peter wielded a sword... so much active passion in her that You will use for Your glory." Now back to the fig matter...
There were three things that Karla was clinging to that we prayed release over with the figs. They were control, management and order. As I journaled these things I realized that they are all things that Father has built and designed into Karla - in fact, her spiritual giftedness includes the gifts of administration and leadership. These three things are also characteristics of Father God. He has sovereign control over all things. He is the ultimate manager/administrator of all things. He is a God of order for sure. So, in His creation of Karla, He put these things in her as part of His making her in His image and likeness so that He could use her to administer His truth, grace and love with control and order in this world.
I realized that as my precious friend held on to these three things, claiming them as her own, trying to do them herself, that she was putting herself in a position of trying to do God's job. As long as she was trying to maintain control, manage things, and order things on her own, she was finding that things appeared out of control, poorly managed and highly disordered. Things like Ada swinging a plastic golf club at anything and anyone in her path demonstrated how impossible it is for Karla to control, manage and order her world. And when we prayed, we sought Father's control, management and order for her world as we released Karla's desires for these things. But that hasn't quenched Ada's passion and the occasional chaos at Karla's house where three pre-schoolers live.
I struggle to make sense of all of this. If God puts characteristics in us to use in our lives to fulfill His kingdom purposes, then why aren't we supposed to use them? Or are we? And if we are, how do we do it without taking over His job? And why doesn't everything just work out perfectly? I journaled this: If we have faith - if we trust God fully - we surrender these things to Him, knowing they are His, knowing they are the "Christ in us", knowing He will develop them and put them into action as we allow Spirit to work.
And earlier this week, in a conversation with Karla on a different subject, she and I discussed how hard it is to live by Spirit and not flesh, and that to do so, we must surrender it all - hopes, dreams, sins, feelings, relationships, desires, plans, questions, belongings, jobs, friends, family, fears, gifts, personality - everything - every day. As she shared thoughts from C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, I kept hearing "Just kill me now - this dying to self and overcoming flesh thing is just way too hard." And Philippians 1:21 kept coming to mind - For me to live is Christ and to die is gain. And this morning, Dave Crowder Band was blessing me with a great contemporary blue grass sound as they sang an old Loretta Lynn song "Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die." And in my odd little brain it all began to make sense.
There is supposed to be such blessed peace and quiet confidence in surrender to Him and His ways and His control and His work in us. Yet we fear it at the same time we ask for it because it means death - death to self - death of our personal ambitions and dreams - death to our control, our management, our order. No one wants to be out of control or completely surrendered to something or someone else. No one wants to give up everything they cherish. We might as well be dead! We surrender completely and suddenly we no longer exist and whatever we have surrendered to overtakes us! Oh my gosh! Who wants that? Just kill me now! Just take me to heaven - but don't make me die.
We want more of Him and we want His direction and we want His peace and we want His blessings and we want His heaven. But we don't want to die to self, walk in spirit and not flesh, surrender everything, give away our lives to have all of His life instead. We are SO messed up, aren't we? Or are we? The Loretta Lynn song has a verse that talks about how Hezekiah followed God and His ways but Hezekiah didn't want to die so God gave Him more years on this earth. And it has a verse that talks about how Jesus lived here on earth, knowing that death was His destiny. He didn't want to die either, and sweat drops of blood as He prayed for some other way to accomplish God's purposes. So my wanting what God wants for me but not wanting to die to get it, is Christ-like, right? But Christ still died, didn't He?
For a few days now I have been listing out my wants and desires and plans and problems and questions and concerns and surrendering each one to Father's hands. It is very freeing. And every time thoughts of needing and wanting to control and manage and order things myself come into my head, I surrender again. I am dying... to my flesh. And I am finding peace as I surrender and let Him live by Spirit in me. I think maybe there is a little more of Christ's likeness being revealed in me as I surrender - I know death to self and flesh is what brings His life - but I don't want to die - so I pray, like Jesus, if there is another way let it be - but if not, I will die. And like Jesus, I will find that death - to my self and my flesh - brings life - abundantly. It brings heaven - for eternity - for today - for me - for all mankind.
Funny now that I think of Ada and the golf club being like Peter and the sword. Peter swung the sword to protect Christ when He was being arrested - just after He had prayed about wanting heaven but not wanting to die. Peter wanted heaven without the death, too, didn't he? It didn't make sense to him that the One sent here to establish God's kingdom on earth was going to die. But Jesus said, "Put your sword away! Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?" (John 18:11) Peter's desire to manage, control and order the world as he saw it in the flesh caused him to swing the sword just as Ada's desire to manage, control and order the world as she saw it in her precious little flesh caused her to swing the golf club.
Father, I put away my plastic golf club. I surrender to You - Your will - Your ways - Your plan - Your control - Your management - Your order - Your life. I don't want to die but if dying means You live more, then I'll do it. I want the heaven - today. So I'll drink the cup. The cup tastes like vinegar but it is really the fruit of life. I like fruit. I like life. Just kill me now.
Amy
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