What You See
"I want to be the person you see when you look at me."
I heard this said recently by a character on a television show. This character was not being truthful about his career as an artist because he thought his friend would not look at him in the same way if she knew he'd only sold one painting in the past two years and had been earning his income in another way. The line really stuck in my head.
I thought about what people see when they look at me and how much of what I do and say is based on what I think they see or what I think they want to see. I have pondered this dilemma of trying to be the person others see when they look at me and I know there is really no way I can fully know what others see when they look at me and so I can never really be what they see. Trying only leaves me weary from performing for them, disappointed when they don't enjoy my performance, and even feeling like a pretender because I try to be something I'm not in my attempts to be what I think they see.
And then I thought of how many things I do that are based on what I see when I look at me. I am usually scrutinizing myself under a magnifying glass and that results in self-criticism. Both situations leave me defeated and sometimes bitter because I feel I don't measure up or that I have disappointed someone. I get angry at others for expecting things of me that I think they are expecting and I get angry at myself for being so critical of myself and expecting too much of me. This defeat and bitterness and anger always take me to a place of withdrawal from others so that I can't be seen at all. I feel safe when no one is looking…
As I have thought about this character's line along with my own issues with what I think others see as well as what I see when I look at me, Father has sweetly reminded me of what He sees when He looks at me. He sees holy, blameless, delightful, chosen, loved, forgiven, righteous, gifted, called, accepted, validated, friend, desired, whole, worthy, child, significant, and more. And He is always looking at me like this. Always. He makes me pause in all my thinking and say, "I want to be the person You see when You look at me." And He says, "You are."
Now I see,
amy
Psalm 17:8 - Keep me as the apple of Your eye; hide me in the shadow of Your wings.
I thought about what people see when they look at me and how much of what I do and say is based on what I think they see or what I think they want to see. I have pondered this dilemma of trying to be the person others see when they look at me and I know there is really no way I can fully know what others see when they look at me and so I can never really be what they see. Trying only leaves me weary from performing for them, disappointed when they don't enjoy my performance, and even feeling like a pretender because I try to be something I'm not in my attempts to be what I think they see.
And then I thought of how many things I do that are based on what I see when I look at me. I am usually scrutinizing myself under a magnifying glass and that results in self-criticism. Both situations leave me defeated and sometimes bitter because I feel I don't measure up or that I have disappointed someone. I get angry at others for expecting things of me that I think they are expecting and I get angry at myself for being so critical of myself and expecting too much of me. This defeat and bitterness and anger always take me to a place of withdrawal from others so that I can't be seen at all. I feel safe when no one is looking…
As I have thought about this character's line along with my own issues with what I think others see as well as what I see when I look at me, Father has sweetly reminded me of what He sees when He looks at me. He sees holy, blameless, delightful, chosen, loved, forgiven, righteous, gifted, called, accepted, validated, friend, desired, whole, worthy, child, significant, and more. And He is always looking at me like this. Always. He makes me pause in all my thinking and say, "I want to be the person You see when You look at me." And He says, "You are."
Now I see,
amy
Psalm 17:8 - Keep me as the apple of Your eye; hide me in the shadow of Your wings.
Just beautiful, Amy!
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